I want to be heard. I need to be heard. When I have an opinion I want it to count. When I have an idea I want it to be tried. When I am sad I want to be comforted. When I am happy I want others to share my joy.
I want my co-workers to hear that I have a deadline and don’t have time to talk. I want my friend to hear that I had a great time with another friend and not be threatened. I want my family to hear my excitement about my new hobby and show interest. I want my hairdresser to hear that I dislike blonde hair and stick to the brunette shades!
Being heard by friends, family, co-workers, and the clerk in the store makes me feel respected, loved, and valued. I have been thinking a lot about being heard these past few days. How I react when I don’t think that I have been heard. How others react to me when they think that they haven’t been heard.
So while I was thinking about this concept of being heard I realized that I spend a lot of energy trying to be heard by others, but not enough time listening to me. Now to make sure you hear me, when I say me, I also mean YOU. I have a perpetual dialogue going on in my head. You have a perpetual dialogue going on in your head.
“I shouldn’t have slept in.” ” I should have told my friend that she hurt me.” I shouldn’t have eaten that cake.” I should have walked to the store.”
Lots of “should haves.” And while we say the should haves internally, do we actually listen to them? Do we act on what we have said or do we just say it without acknowledging it?
Along with the should haves we also have the justification conversation. “I hurt so I won’t move.” “I am tired so I won’t go to the gym.” “I am lonely so I will treat myself to ice cream.” “I am overwhelmed so I will have a nap to clear my head.” “I am frustrated so I will indulge in a chocolate bar to take the edge off.”
AND of course following the justification conversation the vicious circle continues with the guilt talk – the should haves. Our internal dialogue is very much as though we have nailed one foot to the floor and rather than taking steps forward in our life we just continue to walk in a circle. A perpetual, never ending circle of justifications and should haves, while we personally don’t move forward.
So while we listen to our internal conversation, we don’t hear it. We don’t see that there is a solution – to step outside the should haves, to step outside the justifications. If we hear that we are lonely, rather than heading to the freezer, we will reach out to family or friends. If we hear that we are frustrated we will confront it rather than run to a corner to eat a chocolate bar in quiet. If we hear that we are overwhelmed we will use nap time to instead write a plan to tackle what overwhelms us. If we hear that we hurt we will get up and move, gently, through the pain. If we hear that we are tired, we will go to to the gym to re-energize our body.
Why do I spend so much energy worrying about whether others hear me, when I don’t hear me? So to coin a Michael Jackson phrase,
“I am starting with the man in the mirror. I am asking him to change his ways.”
Moving forward I commit to honour and respect me first. I am on a mission to hear what I say.